It took me while to publicly share our family’s cancer story. The fear, love and growth that occurred during this time allowed me finally share and shed some light on and perhaps a different perspective of this whole journey.
For me, someone who lived constantly in a state of fear and anxiety knowing something was not right with my 6 year old son was terrifying. My story up until now was trying to figure out who I was and how to live my life and when I decided to release my fear is when I heard this news.Of course upon hearing my son complain of a sore arm I thought the worst. He showed me his right arm which was slightly swollen and said it hurt. Now whether it was just fear or intuition or down right knowing I just knew it was bad. Yes I have felt that before but all the past times were more of superstition. I had to worry because if I didn’t then it would turn out to be bad. I always kind of knew deep down it was all ok. Once I would hear it was nothing or not cancer I was relieved. Yes, this was how I lived inside my head all the time.
So I gave him some arnica 200c and off he went. The next day the swelling was gone and no pain. Arnica to the rescue once again!
Three months later it was back. It was the night before our American Thanksgiving.
This time he said he fell during hockey the day before. I called the coach and he said he didn’t see anything. Gave arnica again. No relief.
He cried. All night long. In pain.
I was sick to my stomach.
My husband was telling me to not worry that it was likely a fracture or bone bruise.
So after the turkey was stuffed Thanksgiving morning off we went to an urgent care.
I had that sick twisty feeling in my stomach waiting for them to come in say it was fracture. To relieve my superstitious worry. But they were taking a very long time. I knew it was different this time.
‘You need to sit down’.
Panic set in. I didn’t know what they were going to say and didn’t want Nic to hear so my husband took him out of the room. So by myself I sat there waiting.
‘You need to sit down’.
Those were the words. I will never forget.
My worst fear was coming true. It was actually happening.
I was told he either had leukemia, lymphoma, osteosarcoma, osteomyelitis or ewings sarcoma.
I didn’t know all of them but knew none of them were good.
No, they were down right bad.
It was a dream, surreal.
I had to call home to tell my mother in law we were off to the hospital as they thought he had leukemia. But we were suppose to be heading home for turkey dinner with the family. He is suppose to be leaving with a cast on.
Our life was rocked upside down from that day forward.
Fear. Beyond fear. I can’t even describe what was happening.
The look of ER doctor said it all. It was sheer pity. They knew.
After quickly googling all the above we came to the conclusion they thought it was Ewing’s sarcoma. The outlook was grim. It was literally 1 in a million chance of having this type of cancer. Of course we had to wait all long weekend and then some to get the full diagnosis.
Sure enough after excoriating tests and waiting.
My first thought was he was going to die. I felt that dread, that fear that I must have created or manifested.
Did I manifest this?
I lived my life fearing this exact thing. Did I attract this? What did I do during my pregnancy to create this? How does my 6 year old healthy boy get this rare bone tumor?
Fear. Shame. Guilt. It all piled on. On top of trying to act like it was no big deal for him.
The biggest emotion that came for me was anger.
Anger that I was no longer in control.
Anger that I had to do traditional treatment.
Anger that this was happening.
The fearful me was in charge. In full control. Googling. Researching. If this had spread the chances were slim. It was an aggressive tumor.
I was torn. I was not in alignment with traditional chemo treatment. I knew there is more than the physical body and pumping pure toxins into his precious little body was not the right thing to do. It did not make sense to me.
The questions that I asked, they always had a hard time answering. I don’t think they really knew the answer.
The anger grew with the fear. The fear of the unknown. The anger of not getting my questions answered. My fear fed the anger.
As it would have it the cancer was localized and not spread so the chances were higher. I am not a supporter of statistics but this did clear a little fear.
I called hospitals in Mexico, in Arizona, Europe and researched every treatment possible. With a 6 year old boy it is slim pickings.
Treatment was to begin in a week.
The first few weeks my anger+fear+frustration was leading me. I am sure I exuded all of these things but shortly after, maybe into week 3 I felt a massive shift.
I began to surrender.
I am not really sure how or what came over me.
Devine guidance came calling.
I saw the situation for what it was.
I stopped fighting.
I felt peace.
I knew his healing was ultimately connected to me. There was something bigger happening. I knew his healing had to be more than these toxins killing the out of control cells.
Why did it grow in the first place?
Why was this happening?
What am I to learn from this?
It is what it is.
It is happening anyway so I might as well flow with it.
Bingo. Go with the flow. So I did.
The hospital stays ended being like mini vacations for my husband and me. We would argue who was going down next.
I dove in deep to treat him holistically.
To treat Nicolas Rivet not the cancer.
As the universe would have it I found and met the exact homeopath I needed at that time.
Together with homeopathy, nutrition, supplements he rocked the chemo and was a rockstar. So much that I was asked numerous times what we were doing as they had never seen any one do so well. A nurse literally took me aside and asked what I was giving him because he never needed what they were offering.
The doctor doing his fellowship also was intrigued and asked more about the protocol I was using.
I knew everything was happening as it should be.
Not only did I see him for the strong warrior that he is, I began to feel the real me starting to emerge.
I felt my connection to myself. This sense of helping to heal and advocate for my son showed me the way to my truth.
I began to trust.
I trusted the process.
I trusted what is.
Sure this was a huge hurdle and hardship but it really brought so much more once I was able to shift my perspective of it all.
I saw it all as a lesson and a chance to grow rather than an obstacle.
I saw how we must be our own advocate for our health. Our body.
Knowledge truly is power.
He was a teacher for me.
He chose me for his own life lesson.
Not only did he finish and is thriving today but he is continuing to amaze me and teach me every day.
He finished treatment almost 3 years ago.
I am not sure to say I am thankful or grateful or what as no one whats this for any loved one and I would never want to see this happen but…..
My fear of cancer is gone.
My fear of the unknown is gone.
My anger is gone.
My anxiety is gone.
I trust fully in the process.
He is healthy and thriving.
For all of these things I am truly grateful.